Walking In The Dark

About a decade ago, I had a period of walking in and out of the dark. Someone I love very much was in crises and there were times I feared that the outcome would be tragic.

Those months were terrifying. They tested my strength. They tested my beliefs. They challenged me.

It was very dark.

In the dark though, there was light. Through those months I was shown the true power of love, the resilience of the human spirit, and the amazing gift of having people who love you “in good times and in bad”.

One evening in particular has played out in my mind a hundred times.

I had attended a Christmas Eve get-together. When I left the hosts’ home there was snow on the ground and no one else on the road. I was alone and I was sad and I was driving home to an empty house on Christmas Eve.

It was very dark.

I am an extrovert by nature, but I do also enjoy solitude. I typically drive without the radio playing and just let my thoughts swirl around in my mind. That night however it was really quiet and my mind was racing with the “what ifs” we ask when we’re afraid and alone.

I turned on the radio to break through the cacophony of noise in my head and the overwhelming silence outside my body.

The song, “Where are you Christmas” came on the radio. That song always made me think of my Dad who died in 2000. All these years later I can’t hear it without tears welling up in my eyes. The song has a “happy ending”, but the words,
“Where are you Christmas?
Why can’t I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter? 
You used to bring me? 
Why can’t I hear music play?”
always strike a chord in my heart. I started crying. Not soft weeping, but a cry filled with angst, pain, loss, pity and fear.

It was very dark.

The next day was better. There was a light in the dark. It was my granddaughter, Lauren’s, first Christmas. She changed my life in a way that, in spite of my love for the written word, I don’t believe I have the vocabulary to fully express.

That dark period lasted for a while and blessedly had a happy ending. It was a challenging few years but, the storm was weathered. Love and positive energy and an amazing physician changed the outcome.

When my Mom died in 2009 it was a very sad time. I loved (still love) my Mom and we spent quality time together, and we had conversations that were wonderful. She was an amazing rock and I aspired to be the same for her. There was a hole in my life when she moved on to the other side. I was happy that she was released from the aches, pains and frailties of being human, but I missed her physical presence. I missed having someone who always believed in me.

It was very dark.

I remember someone asking me, a month after her death, if I was “ever going to smile again?” I responded with a simple, “I don’t know”. Of course I smiled again. There is so much joy in this life: daughters and grandchildren, a husband who loves me, and dear, amazing friends. In the dark, Love turned on the light.

Many years ago, when my daughters were very young, I had huge financial challenges as a single mother. My life was filled with joy because of them, but I was putting myself through college at night, while working full-time and taking care of my beloved children. At times, the heavy load and the worry got to me.

Sometimes it was very dark.

This was different from the other stories I just shared, because I had two little girls who gave meaning to everything I did; two spirits who landed in my life and changed everything about who I was. (thirty-nine years later, I still feel the same way)

One day, at work, I was having a conversation with the gentleman I reported up to. We were talking about life and kids and struggles and I said “I just don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel” He said to me, “then let those of us who love you hold the flashlight until you get out of the tunnel.” Wow! How blessed are we when we see God in another person? Those eighteen words, held the weight of volumes. God bless you Gene.

Sometimes we’re walking in the dark and we can’t see even a foot ahead of us. Sometimes the dark comes because we’ve lost someone we love or we’re in crises or we’re facing huge changes in our lives. Sometimes the dark is brought on by pain, fear or loneliness.

Miraculously, many of us are able to walk out of the dark and back into the light.

I get that I’m blessed. I know that I have had more than my share of torch-bearers, candle-lighters, and flashlight-holders in my life. These folks have given me hope and joy and peace, and I honor that.

With gratitude for all the beautiful lights in our world,
Kay

©2015 peace full home™/intentional living

Like a flashlight or a candle holder, the people who love us light our way in the dark. ©2015PeaceFullHome.com

Like a flashlight or a candle holder, the people who love us light our way in the dark. ©2015 peace full home™/intentional living

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Thank you,
Kay

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